00:00 - Janae Daniels (Host)

Decades of studies from psychology, pediatrics and family research don't say that children are doomed without a father. They do show something very consistent when a father or father figure is loving, present and responsible, Children tend to do better across mental health behavior, school performance and relationships, performance and relationships. For daughters, a healthy relationship with the father is uniquely powerful in shaping identity, boundaries and later romantic choices. And today I want to talk to you dads, and I hope you'll indulge me a little bit because I want to talk about my own dad and my experience with him and that, how that has shaped me. But before we get into today's episode, y'all, if you like this, this podcast, and it's helped you in some way, please share it with others. And, if you're feeling extra generous, if you wouldn't mind leaving a review on whatever platform that you're on hopefully a good review, a review on whatever platform that you're on, hopefully a good review. It's greatly appreciated and I feel a great deal of gratitude. So, if you like it, share it, leave a review. I would appreciate that. Now, without further ado, let's get started. Okay, y'all, like I said, I want to talk to you dads a little bit.

01:23

For those that are new to this podcast, my name is Janae Daniels and I recently lost both my parents. My mom passed in August and then it's kind of a sad but sweet love story. Then my dad passed away a few weeks ago and we buried him just barely over two two weeks ago and honestly, after my mom's passing, hospice thought that my dad would live at least a year and it became very clear very quickly that he would not. And it's it's tragic and tender in that the day after her funeral, um, up until her funeral, people were in and out of their room and, um, they were in a retirement center. We I drove home with my family um the 10 hours and, uh, my sister, who lives right by the retirement center, said that my dad took my mom's little picture from her funeral program and put it up above his wall, uh, on his wall, and then he would just lay in bed and stare at it and she'd say, dad, we need to get up and get going. And he'd say I can't, I just miss her. And he would stare at her picture for hours and hours. And so there is is a beautiful little love story of you. Know, they were married 61, 162 years, let me think 62 years, um, anyway and ultimately hospice said he died of a broken heart. He just missed her and he would say that I'd call him and he'd say I just miss her anyway. So theirs is a tragic love story and it's been painful. Um, even at 48 years old, it's painful to lose your parents and become an orphan.

03:24

But I want to talk to you dads today about the effect that you have on your daughters, and I want to do this through the lessons that I've learned from my dad and the effect that he had on me. Now I have six siblings, seven siblings, I have seven siblings. There's eight kids total in my family. I have six siblings, seven siblings, I have seven siblings. There's eight kids total in my family. I have a brother he's the oldest and then there are seven girls after him. Yes, you heard that one boy and seven girls. So my dad and my brother were absolutely outnumbered, um, which we'll talk about, because one of the lessons that I learned from my dad has to do with being female or raising females, but I want to share some stories that taught me some lessons.

04:15

So, first of all, my dad loved doing the dishes and we asked him as kids we're like why do you like doing the dishes so much Now, we had a dishwasher y'all. As kids we're like why do you like doing the dishes so much? Now, we had a dishwasher y'all and it worked. But we never used it because my dad loved, like, filling up the sink with hot water and um, and it enabled him a chance to think and to to contemplate and to just think about his life, philosophize over things, and so he would do the dishes.

04:58

Now, when you have a father growing up your whole life and you see him mow the lawn, you see him build stuff, you see him do the dishes, I of course thought that dishes was a man's job. Right, like in my mind I compartmentalize things like a lot of people do, like this is a, women do this and men do this. Well, I grew up thinking that dishes were a man's job and it was masculine. Like it was a masculine thing to do the dishes. Well, my freshman year of high school, a football player in my Spanish class made a joke. He sat next to me and he made a joke about women being dishwashers and I was aghast women being dishwashers? And I was aghast and I said to him I was like jokes on you.

06:10

Everyone knows that dishes are a man's job. I have never once seen my mother do the dishes and my dad is a real man which shut that football player up really fast, because my dad was the most masculine man that I knew and yet he did the dishes which we're going to talk about this football player again because he comes up again in my life. Player again because he comes up again in my life. So the last, first lesson that I learned from my father was that people who humbly and humbly do things and do them quietly, command respect and trust. That it's a sign of a true leader. My dad had my trust and he had my respect, and also for those listening, dishes are a man's job, so that you know so. And actually in the Daniels household, dishes are a child's job. The children do the dishes Although my husband has done the dishes, I've done the dishes but the kids generally do the dishes. We help with them, but that's now a kid's job. So that's the first thing that I learned from my dad was what true leadership looked like, what true trust and respect, what those things looked like. He embodied those things. Now you have to understand.

07:17

My mom was very eclectic, she was very eccentric, she was loud, she did the world food championship. She was, you know, on shows all the time and inevitably my dad was a sous chef. Uh, after his retirement and, um, he, he was very quiet, unlike my mom. He was a very quiet, contemplative man. But that, uh, that, something that like that quiet dignity, is something that I've learned from him, that I've come to really appreciate from him, dr.

07:50

Second lesson Dr James Dobson said a daughter's sense of self worth and confidence is linked to her relationship with her dad. What he thinks of her and how he expresses his affection is central to her perceived value as a human being. So essentially, y'all girls get their self-esteem from their father. How he treats her mother is intensely important, how he treats her intensely important, how he treats her. With some of the research that I did, what they found is that across many large reviews and longitudinal studies, higher father involvement is associated with better mental health and behavior. Children with engaged fathers show fewer behavioral problems, lower rates of delinquency and fewer psychological difficulties than comparable with peers whose fathers are minimally involved and absent. They have stronger cognitive and academic outcomes, better social emotional skills, healthier emotional regulation, healthier family systems with involved fathers. But also it affects a girl's relationships in the future, and so also they have lower children, have lower rates of depression, internalizing problems for adolescent girls, higher self-esteem and emotional security, better coping skills and resilience in young adulthood. In plain language, when a girl experiences her dad as safe, loving and dependable, she is more likely to internalize I matter, I am worth respect, I'm allowed to set boundaries. Thus that internal script carries forward into relationships, career choices and romantic relationships. One of the most robust findings in this research area is the connection between father absence and early sexual behavior in daughters. Studies in the United States and New Zealand have found that the greater exposure to father absence is strongly associated with earlier sexual activity and higher rates of adolescent pregnancy, and so there's absolutely a link with girls that the way that she, that her father sees her, affects how she sees herself, but it also affects intimacy in her life Now, which I found personally to be true.

10:34

Now, I grew up in a religious household and so things like abstinence were taught and I practiced that. Abstinence were taught and I practiced that, and and so it was interesting because my freshman year of high school, again going back to the same Spanish class with same said boy and actually was a group of them. One day they started teasing me for being a virtuous girl and that they figured that out because they they were talking about really inappropriate things and they're like do you know what this means? Do you know what that means? And I didn't. I didn't know what many of those very derogatory terms were, what they meant. It's funny because after talking to them, I went home and asked and my parents were like oh yeah, this is what this is. And where did you hear this? And this is what this is. And and my parents never made a big deal over, like when I had questions about intimate things, about sexual things. They never were like why are you asking those questions? They were always like oh yeah, this is what this is and this is what that is, and and you know what? What? What makes you ask these questions? And but they were never weird about it, which I've very and. But they were never weird about it, which I've very, I very much appreciated as a teenager.

11:45

But one day, in the again aforementioned Spanish class, same said boy teased me about being virtuous and and I just stood my ground. I'm like you are a man whore, you know. And I was pretty, pretty straightforward and blunt, and they teased me for for a time and then they just quit and I and I, you know, I took it. I went home, I cried to my dad. I didn't show any tears in class, I stood my ground, because that's what my dad taught me. He taught me that I mattered. He taught me that my virtue mattered, that I mattered as a human being, that I deserved better. I deserved more. I deserve to be treated well.

12:37

And so when I got home, you know, he, he was the one who picked up the pieces. My mom did too, but he, he was the one that picked up the pieces when I'd go home, when I'd cry over not only the meanness of those boys in my Spanish class, but also, just, you know, when I liked a boy and they liked somebody else, and I'd go home and I'm, you know, I'd cry and, dad, am I not pretty enough? Am I not this enough? Am I not that enough? And he'd always reassure me and say you are magnificent, you are wonderful, you matter to me, you matter to God. And he did the same when I got home after Spanish and was crying about what happened in Spanish class, and he once again picked up the pieces.

13:23

Now, funny thing, years passed and I became a senior in high school and again I was still that virtuous girl and those boys were in my debate class. Now you have to understand, I was on the debate team and I was very good. They were not on the debate team in the debate class and they were not very good. But one day, with debating, um, after all those years, one of the same said boy said to me he's like you know, you remember when we teased you that freshman year in Spanish? And I'm like yeah, how can I forget? Do you know how traumatizing that was? He's like yeah'm sorry.

14:03

He said I just want to tell you how cool we actually thought that was, that you were saving yourself, um, that you know that you, that you are a person that honors virtue, and we actually all thought that was really cool. And and I said to him, I said to him thank. I said to him thank you, that means a lot to me. And he said you know, as a matter of fact, I hope someday to marry somebody like that. And I smiled and I looked at him and I said that is very kind and that is very flattering, that is very kind and that is very flattering. However, you need to know that people like me would never marry somebody like you. You could hear a pin drop in the glass y'all, and he's like okay.

14:59

I deserve that. I'm like, oh, you all do, you all deserved it. Anyway, it's kind of funny because some of them have kept in contact with me over the years and it's interesting watching them now as husbands and fathers. Not all of them, just a couple of them, even though I do not consider them great friends, they're more Facebook friends, let's be honest. But it was my father. It was my father who taught me that my worth, that I was worth something and I was worth something to him. I was worth something to God. So that was the lesson number two that I gained from my dad is that I mattered to him and I mattered to God, and they thought that I was smart and beautiful inside out. Um, I don't know if you remember in the help, the movie, the help, um, the I can't remember, I can't remember the character's name, but anyway she she says to the little girl she's like you are smart, you are kind, you are important. And she'd hold that little girl's face and she'd say that that's what my dad would do with me regularly is he'd say, he'd say daughter, daughter, you matter, daughter, you are kind and you are smart and you are beautiful. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise and guess what? I started to believe it. So, lesson two I mattered. And, dads, when you say things like that to your daughters and you follow up with the way that you treat them and their moms, it matters to those little girls. It matters to the boys too, because you are setting a pattern, you are showing them how to behave towards women, and so it matters to your boys. But it matters to your girls for their self-worth. Don't ever think it, doesn't?

16:55

Number three I had an early morning church class that I'd have to go to. My parents expected me to go to at 6 a 6am. Like I said, I grew up in a very religious family. I still am religious. I carried that with me and my, my dad was the one who would wake us up every morning. Now you have to understand. My mom grew up in a very wealthy family in Los Angeles. My father grew up on a poor. It was a poor farm boy. He was. His dad was a sheep farmer in Utah, in this little tiny you blink and you miss it town in Utah and it's still a tiny. Blink and you miss it town in Utah and I'm pretty sure I am related to every single person still in that town.

17:37

But he, as a result, up until the day he died, he would wake up at between four and four thirty every single morning, colt, up until the day he died, he would wake up at between 4 and 4.30 every single morning. And that never left him. That waking up on a farm and having to do farm chores never, ever left him. So inevitably, he was the one who would wake us up for our church class. He's the one who'd wake us up for school. And he'd come in and he'd start by singing oh what a Beautiful Morning from Oklahoma. He could not sing, he had a terrible voice, and that's how we would wake up every morning. But I remember one morning in particular he came in and he's like oh, what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day. And and I was like and he's like, it's time for you to go to your class. And I said Dad, dad, do I have to? I am so tired. I stayed up too late last night, please don't make me go to the class. And I will never forget. He said Janae, you know what's right and you know what's wrong. It's your choice. And I stopped and I was like, darn it. So I got up and I went to the class because my dad taught me that choice is a powerful tool and we need to use it wisely. I forgot to mention this with the last thing that I talked about.

19:07

When I was little, my teachers thought that I was special needs because I couldn't read by the way, just another. Yeah, our school system did so great with me. I had teachers that they tried to teach me to read. I remember distinctly struggling with reading and when I was in second grade, my second grade teacher, ms Schwanke, told my parents that I probably should be in special needs classes, that she was convinced that I was not a normal quote unquote child, that I needed to be in special needs classes. Y'all. It was my dad who, after she said that, came home and read with me every day after school. He was the one who taught me how to read. It was my father who taught me how to read, not the teachers at school, honestly, not my mom. I love you, mom, but it wasn't you who taught me. You taught me to cook, but you didn't teach me to read. And it was my dad and I remember him painstakingly working on letters and sounds and phonics with me. It was my dad that taught me how to read when the school system was failing me. So again reinforcing that I mattered to him. So again reinforcing that I mattered to him. Okay, now we're going to go on to lesson four. As I mentioned, y'all okay. So this is probably not for young ears, but teenagers can listen, and even preteens might be fine with this.

20:34

As I mentioned, I grew up with six sisters and we used to be super embarrassed to buy feminine products, and so we would make my dad buy them. We'd be like Dad, you have to get them. We'd give him a list, or we'd be with him at the store and then hide them in the cart, as if it's not a normal phenomenon for girls to need feminine products. And then we'd make him buy them while we went somewhere else, as he's checking out and he has all these piles of feminine products. And one day I gave him a list. I was like, dad, this is what I need. And my sister gave her list and she's like and I need this. And they were different. They weren't the same thing, and my dad got really frustrated. He's like all cars use one. And they were different. They weren't the same thing, and my dad got really frustrated. He's like all cars use one kind of gas. Why can't you all use the same kind of feminine products? And he took the list and he's like I should have bought stock in a feminine product company.

21:36

We would be rich, because I didn't grow up rich, although I didn't know we weren't rich, but we weren't. By any stretch of the imagination, we were not rich. And so lesson number four y'all, if you end up having lots of daughters in your household, buy stock and feminine products. And my dad, in his humility, would would purchase these products for us, understanding that we were different and we had different needs. And so lesson number four not only should you buy stock in feminine products, but number four is that your kids are all different, and my dad taught me that, that they all have different needs and we have to meet their needs when they are all different. That's especially true in homeschooling. One of the blessings of homeschooling is that you can meet the needs of the individual child, whereas in a classroom it's really hard for teachers to differentiate between 32 kids. It's really hard, they are tasked with it and and it's exhausting for them. As a homeschooling mom or dad, we can do that, okay, uh, next lesson Um.

22:52

As I mentioned, my dad woke up early in the mornings. Um, I also did not grow up wealthy again. I didn't realize that we were not wealthy I. I thought that we were, um, yeah, and which I think is the case for most kids, like they think, oh, no, we, of course, you know, like I never felt like I was going without anything ever. Um, even though I had hand-me-down clothes and things like that, it didn't, it didn't ever bother me, it was never an issue for me.

23:21

But to help ends meet, make ends meet. And my dad had a really good job. He retired with IBM and then he worked for consulting for several years. He did instructional design. My dad was also well educated. He had a master's degree in instructional design, did a lot with computers.

23:41

But when you have eight children, sometimes it's tough to make ends meet. And so one of the things that my dad and mom did was they had an early morning newspaper route where I'm from Texas, so it's not like a bicycling newspaper route, like they were done by cars and there would be hundreds and um, and so he would wake up in um, and they did I want to say they did the Sunday route. But we'd, as a family, we'd get up early, early, early Sunday mornings, like at 2 AM, and we'd go and we'd fold newspapers with all the other families and there was a lot of families that did this, um, and it was hard, and then they'd load up the car ceiling to floor of newspapers in the back and then my dad would go and throw the newspapers. Usually I wouldn't go help throw, but as kids we'd help go fold because it was a long, arduous process. Either you put them in these plastic sacks or you'd rubber band them. If the weather was good you'd rubber band them. Now, the hard part is it would break my if you look at my hands, I have very small hands, like really dwarf size small hands, and the rubber bands would cut through through my skin. It would. It would cause bleeding and chafing and and whatnot, and so I preferred when we got to use the sacks when it was bad weather.

25:09

But I remember, um, my dad didn't always make me go, but often I would have to go help because, especially if the Sunday papers were really they were the biggest papers of the week actually. No, he did do the paper route throughout the week, it wasn't just Sundays. I would just go and help on Sundays, sunday mornings early in the morning. But he did this for years. My mom and he did this newspaper route. And I remember one Christmas I was 14 years old and they Christmas fell on a Sunday and the Sunday newspaper had to go out still, even though it was Christmas day. And that night I told my dad, I cried to my dad and I said please don't make me go. Can I just enjoy Christmas without having to go and fold the newspapers?

26:05 - Speaker 2 (Host)

and he said kiddo, we have to have the help.

26:08 - Janae Daniels (Host)

he said if I, if I don't have your help, because by this time I only had one sister older than me left at home and then I had my two younger sisters at home I'm third to the youngest and um, um, and he said I need you and your sister's help, otherwise it will take me.

26:27 - Speaker 2 (Host)

um, we need your help, um, and he and I cried and I said okay, dad, Okay, and the next morning.

26:56 - Janae Daniels (Host)

Christmas morning that Sunday Christmas morning I woke up at 8 AM and for my, my sisters slept in my younger sisters. Usually kids get up early on Christmas, but we were old enough, um, that we we slept. We slept in a little bit longer and I woke up kind of shocked and I kind of jumped out of bed and I ran downstairs and my dad was at the kitchen table and the presents were all under the tree and it looked beautiful.

27:36 - Speaker 2 (Host)

I said, dad, we have to go fold the papers. And he said they're done, the newspaper route is done, and that night he let my mom sleep and he let me and my sister sleep in, and he spent the whole night folding those papers and throwing them by himself, so that we girls and his wife could sleep for Christmas, and we got up when I went to see him he had been up all night long without sleeping and we got dressed and we went to church and then we came home and had Christmas, and that Christmas I cried my eyes out with gratitude for my dad. That lesson taught me that sacrifice means something to others and the little things are the big things. My dad was always doing stuff like that, though, where, um, he was sacrificing all the time for our, our interests, and don't think for one second that I didn't notice. You, dads matter. Your kids are watching you and you matter to them how you play with them.

29:46 - Janae Daniels (Host)

I do have to say, side note, one of the things that I learned in my research doing this is that, um, that children need rough and tumble play, which Dr Peter Gray talks about a lot in free to learn that children need rough and tumble play and they get that from their dads. That you know. Moms like I would freak out when my husband would take our kids and throw them in the air and I'm like, oh my gosh, you know, or he'd be like let's go do this adventurous thing. But kids need that rough and tumble play, that risky play, and dads provide that. And it was my dad. Every Sunday night we would play we called it Monster where he'd crawl around on all fours in our living room. We'd push the furniture away. He'd crawl around on all fours and we'd run and just jump on his back and be like, ah, and then he'd pin us to the ground and be like I'll spit in your eye and then we'd squeal and then he'd let us go and then, uh, he'd toss us around and, um, but dads provide that. They provide that risky play. Whereas we, as moms, freak out right, I do, I still do with my husband as he's like let's do this risky thing, it's so great, and he rustles and they need that. Kids need that. They that like, it's super important for them to have that rough and tumble play, and you dads are the ones who provide that, that that rough.

31:08

Anyway, that was a side note, that's all to say. You dads matter. You matter in homeschooling, even if you can't help that much in homeschooling, right, even though most of the time the burden falls on the mom. Don't think that your kids don't need you. Don't think that your influence doesn't matter because it does. You matter to children. You matter to your children and maybe you're a father figure or an uncle to, to uh, to someone. If you're a single mom, it's not to say your kids aren't going to grow up, just fine, um, but that that father influence it. It matters, it matters. I appreciate today that you took the time to let me indulge in talking about my dad for just a minute.

31:59 - Speaker 2 (Host)

Again, you dads matter and I hope that you. I'm grateful for you.

32:09 - Janae Daniels (Host)

I'm grateful for you dads, who are supporting your wives in homeschooling or you're taking on some of the homeschooling yourself.

32:18

I'm grateful for your influences on your children, because you matter and you matter to them and you help them to know that they matter. So, anyway, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for you this week, I am grateful for you in general. So I see you, dads, I haven't forgotten about you and and I appreciate you letting me indulge just a little bit. So, with that, um, all of you, mamas, papas, grandmas, grandpas you are doing so much better than you think you are, and you got this and we'll talk next week.