00:00 - Janae Daniels (Host)

Y'all, we live in a nation full of snowflakes, people who fall apart. The second somebody has a differing opinion than themselves and, frankly, I do not want to be that kind of person and, more importantly, as a parent, I don't want my children to be that kind of a person. I want them to be resilient and strong, emotionally healthy along with physically healthy, and so today we're going to talk about a simple thing that we can do to help our children become resilient. Now, this is not the only thing that they can do, but this is one way, and a simple way, to help our children become resilient and, by the way, the same thing helps us become more resilient human beings. Before we get into today's episode, if you want more tips and tricks and helps, please sign up for my newsletter at school to homeschoolcom. And if you're feeling extra generous and you like this podcast, please share a review and write a review for the podcast. If you don't like it, well you know, go to a different podcast, but if you like it, it would mean a lot to me if you'd share a review. It keeps me going when I get good reviews. So with that, let's get started get good reviews. So with that, let's get started.

01:30

Okay, y'all, I am super excited. I've actually wanted to do this episode for quite some time and, specifically, it's come at a very timely time. Is that a thing A timely time? It's very timely for me to do this episode. I'll share why in a second.

01:46

So the question is what's the one thing that we can do to help build resiliency in kids and in ourselves? The answer comes from a study that was done in 2001. So let me share. This is from Cultivating Resilience in Our Families Through History and Stories. Rachel Gill, associate Director of Governance and Education at Crescent, but this she quotes the study In 2001,.

02:15

Psychologist Dr Duke and Robin Fivush I think I'm butchering that name tested a hypothesis set forth by Dr Duke's wife Her students knew more. Who knew more about their families handled challenges better. The psychologist developed 20 questions to test a child's knowledge of his or her family, such as do you know where your grandparents met or do you know the source of your name? They asked these questions of nearly 50 families, while also having the children take a number of psychological tests. The results were clear Children who knew more about their family history had higher self-esteem and sense of control, according to Dr Favush, dr Favush.

03:03

Children who know their family story have a strong intergenerational self meaning. They begin to see themselves as part of a broader family tapestry, as opposed to one weak thread. Children learn from and identify with stories where family members have faced and overcome challenges. Okay, and, by the way, I will put all of the references in the show notes so that you can look these up yourselves and read these articles yourselves. Okay, so what do we do?

03:37

What's one thing that's a strong thing that we can do to share, to build resiliency in our children and in ourselves? We share stories about our family. We come to know our own personal family history. I love this. Sharing family stories is also a powerful way to strengthen and unite family members. Family stories with examples of overcoming challenges can help younger generations find strength to overcome their own struggles. And then research shows that when children know more about their family, they are more resilient, they have higher self-esteem, they have better self-control, lower levels of anxiety, fewer behavioral problems and are more prepared to make good decisions when they encounter challenges. Stories of both triumph and failure teach important life lessons. Humorous stories that include misunderstanding or coincidences or just sharing humor as a way to make life more enjoyable, also teach valuable skills.

04:39

Okay, I felt like this was really timely for a couple of reasons. First of all, dios, dias de los Muertos was just just passed, on Saturday, which is the Day of the Dead, which I actually had never heard of until I saw the show Coco, which is super embarrassing that that's the first time I heard about it, but you know, let's be honest, that's the first time I heard about it. And and then yesterday was All Saints Day. Um, on a more personal note, um, and I'm not going to be emotional today because I've been working on that today before uh, starting the podcast. Last week, on Wednesday, I lost my sweet dad. Okay, now I'm I'm getting emotional. Okay, now I'm getting emotional.

05:26

This comes on the heels of losing my mom three months ago, and so my siblings and I, as we are preparing for his funeral this weekend, have been talking stories and sharing stories. One of my sisters has been going through the pictures of him and we have laughed and we have cried, um, and so this is very close to my heart, right, this second Um. And then, on top of that, to compound that, my husband has a grandmother who is 102 years old and she still has a mind that is as sharp as a tack and I have been doing recordings of her over the last several years, but most recently I went last Sunday and recorded her for two hours just asking her questions about country school and about the Depression and about World War II and about how she met grandpa and just all of these things. And then I started sharing. I shared a couple clips on TikTok and I've been very surprised at how many people. I just got on TikTok two weeks ago for the first time and it's been surprising at how many people are yearning for stories from the past.

06:47

In the past I've shared with you stories about my own 10th great-grandmother, mrs Chilton we don't even know her first name who came on the Mayflower and her strength after being excommunicated excommunicated. They believe she was the first woman excommunicated from the church of england when she stood up and felt like that the church of england had had apostatized and gone away from truth. Um, and so this is really, uh, close to my heart and I see it. I I see this as as true as they. They said that children who know more about their family history are more resilient, they have a higher self-esteem because they see themselves intergenerationally as opposed to as individuals that when we start to learn and share stories about our past, it makes us stronger. It makes our children stronger.

07:49

So the question I have for you is do you know your own family history and I'm not talking about you, don't have to know it generations back Do you know how your grandparents met? Do you know how your parents met? Do you know stories about their triumphs and about their struggles, times that they failed miserably and bounced back? Um and, and they may not always. They may not always be great, but we need to know where we came from. We need to know our own stories and our kids need to know the stories. Now there's five things that we can do to share family history with our children. The first thing we can do is share stories right. Share stories about our ancestors' lives, how they met, where they lived, their experiences, both good and bad. We can talk about our ancestors bad. We can talk about our ancestors. We need to share our own stories.

08:51

It was interesting during COVID when that hit and everything was uncertain and nobody knew what was going on and nobody knew their right hand from their left, and I went to visit my husband's grandmother and you know she wasn't quite a centurion yet. But you know I said it was really funny. Actually she went to the grocery store, she was not wearing a mask, she was approaching 100 years old and at the grocery store they said she went in the afternoon and they said ma'am, you are a senior citizen and for your protection you need to go and only come to the grocery store at 8. From 8 am to 10 am is when we have designated for those who are senior citizens, for your physical protection and, by the way, you need to wear a mask. And she's like four foot three inches, like she's so tiny, she's so short. She says she's growing down instead of growing up.

09:50

And she got in the man's face with her crooked little finger because her fingers, you know, over time has turned. And she said young man, I am 90 something years old, I have lived through world wars, I've lived through pandemics, I've lived through pandemics, I lived through the great depression, I lived through Hitler. If I die now, I'm good, but I'm not coming to the grocery store between eight and 10 AM. I'm coming right now and I'm not wearing a stupid mask. Leave me alone. I'm getting my meat. And she marches past the guy and goes about her grocery shopping. So and we all just were giggling over that when she told us the story because she was so mad. She was so mad that they would tell her. And so I asked her I'm like, how do you feel about this whole pandemic? And she's like, we're going to get through it, we're going to get through it, we're going to get through it, we're going to get through it. I've lived through the depression and I've lived through World War II and I lived through Adolf Hitler and I lived through times when we had bomb shelters. I lived through that time. This we got, this we're going to be just fine. The fact that we don't, you know, toilet paper is at a shortage. I grew up without electricity. I grew up with kerosene lamps. We've got this, y'all. I cannot tell you how much strength that woman gave me, and she's not even my grandma, she's my husband's grandma, except for I've adopted her as my own because my own grandparents have passed on Listening to stories about my grandpa.

11:30

So my grandpa, who was born in 1908, he died in the 80s. But one of the favorite stories about him is he was an entrepreneur, y'all. He had an eighth grade education never passed eighth grade, like that's as far as he went um in the 20s. So the man had nine patents in his life with an eighth grade education. If you have a double double, a sided, two-sided stainless steel sink, um, you can thank my grandfather for that. Uh, that was his patent. I wish you can thank my grandfather for that. That was his patent. I wish we owned the patent as a family. We do not, but I have the patent, I have a copy, or I have a copy of the patent anyway. But he was an inventor and my mom would tell stories when because he died when I was, when I was like eight, and so I only remember very little about him, and so I only remember very little about him. But my mother and my uncle would tell us stories.

12:46

Ronald, I've heard that there's been a bootlegger around in the neighborhood Now the police officer legitimately did tree house right above him and he's like George Ronald, will you let me know if you meet any bootleggers? He's like yes, officer, I will. He did not turn himself in. So what does that teach us about us? Well, you know like you get know a little bit about my family that we are a little bit, a little bit rebellious in some things, but with that story would make us laugh so hard.

13:38

That singular story about my grandpa being a bootlegger at the age of 14. But then later in life he started a stainless steel company in Los Angeles and he lost a lot of things. And so hearing about his ups and downs, hearing about how he and my grandma would survive the Great Depression as adults and you know, just new, newly married, a newly married couple, and what they would have to do to survive, of taking they worked on a farm and they didn't own the farm but they would take the clippings of the vegetables that were going to market and they would take those vegetables. And they themselves owned some sheep and I guess they did have a small farm, but they also worked on a farm and they would feed the vegetables to the sheep to keep the sheep alive of the clippings, because the farmer that owned the farm said you can have the clippings of the vegetables before we take them to market. And so hearing how they they came up with these creative ways to stay alive, like those things, make me really proud. But then it also reminds me that when things are tough, that I can figure out how to get through things. So we need those stories, our, our kids need those stories.

15:14

A little story about my dad Um, when my dad was a teenager and this has been a great lesson in parenting for me personally my grandfather was this is on my, my, my dad's side so my, my grandfather on my mother's side was, uh, lived in Los Angeles. He was the bootlegger and entrepreneur and inventor. But the grandfather on my father's side was a sheep farmer, and a couple of little stories about about him that have helped me with parenting. Um, when my grandfather was, uh, was working on the farm and my father was a teenager, my father was a little bit rebellious and my grandfather said you know, val, you need to go and get your clothes changed and help on the farm. He had just gotten home from school and my dad wanted to go and hang out with his friends and and he said, no, I'm not going to. And and he said, no, you, we have work to get done on this farm. You are to change your clothes and and go milk the cow and go take care of your chores. And my father got really, really angry at my sweet, quiet grandfather and he said I lifted my hand to punch grandpa. I was so angry, I was yelling at him and my grandfather stayed completely level-headed and kept a calm demeanor and he said I lifted my hand to hit my dad and my dad put down his hands and he looked at me squaring the eyes and he said go ahead and hit me, son. And my dad said I stared at my father holding my fist and then I dropped my hand and I turned around and I went into the house and I changed my clothes and I went to the barn and I milked the cow and I sobbed the entire time.

17:31

Now I've had rebellious teenagers in the past and I've thought about that story a million times as a mom, that use of patience and restraint Now have I always employed that? Oh, no, no. There have been times that I've yelled at my kids and sworn at them and and spanked them. You know, occasionally, yeah, and but man, has that helped me over the years to to stop and go? Maybe there's a better way to parent than I'm.

18:08

I'm doing right this second, another quick story about my grandpa. As I mentioned, my grandpa was a sheep farmer and he had this little flock of sheep and one day all of the sheep farmers were getting together to do something with the sheep and I've never been clear on what they've done with the sheep. And, by the way, this story is famous in Hoytsville, utah, and amongst my cousins and my family. So one day my grandpa who, again, he was this very timid, quiet, shy man, like the night of he and my grandma's honeymoon, um, she locked herself in the bathroom and did not want to come out and he said I did not want her to come out, I was so scared, I didn't, I didn't, I did not want it which we all chuckle Like. He was so timid and tender and shy and quiet. And so I definitely take more from my mother's side, by the way, might I add, being as brash as I am, because my grandfather on my mother's side was very brash, very in your face. Definitely take from him, but anyway.

19:20

So my grandpa had these sheep and all of the sheep farmers were getting together. He had the smallest flock of sheep. They were getting together to do something. So all of the sheep were put in one field and they were all mixed up and the next morning the plan was that the farmers would run the sheep through the chute to separate the sheep out for each farmer and I don't know if they were going to sell some of the sheep or what they were doing. But the next morning my grandfather gets up early in the morning and before the rest of the farmers went to get their sheep and he goes to the fence line and he starts bleating. Now, bleating is the sound of it's when you go meh, right. So he goes to call the sheep and he does that by going meh. So he goes and bleats at the fence and then all of a sudden this little flock of sheep get up and they come running to him and it was his sheep. And then he's able to take them first and separate them out first, before the other farmers. As the other farmers were starting to arrive, they saw what was happening and saw that those sheep knew my grandfather so well that they came running when they heard his voice.

21:04

I've shared that with my kids in relation to Jesus, that Jesus is the shepherd and we need to know his voice, the way that those sheep knew my grandfather's voice. Those stories mean something to me, they mean something to my kids, so we need to tell our kids stories. So, as I mentioned, there's five things that we can do. Number one share stories about our ancestors' lives, how they met, where they lived, their experiences, both good and bad. If their grandparents are still alive, if you have baby boomer grandparents or parents, talk to them, have them sit and share stories, record them y'all. That's actually the last thing is record the stories, but have our kids talk to the grandparents, have them talk to the great grandparents.

21:47

Share our own stories of triumph and failure. My daughter has decided that she really likes theater and so we've been talking a lot about. You know, her cast list just went up for a show she tried out for and I've been able to talk to her about my own disappointments of times that I didn't get cast in shows that I wanted to be in and times that I was cast and things that I did. And those stories give her strength and she's told me that I was thinking about what you said, mom. Like those stories give us strength, so share our own stories. Number two be realistic when sharing stories. Be honest about both the successes and the struggles, to show that challenges are normal, a normal part of life and that can be overcome. Not everything is rosy all the time. We have to share the good, the bad and the ugly, because we're going to learn from all of it. Number three create shared experiences. And we do this by integrating storytelling into family routines, such as when we're at meals or holidays, or create new traditions like make a family recipe book or visit ancestral homes, y'all.

23:06

I started two years ago. I got a recipe, a blank recipe book from Hobby Lobby and then I started putting in our favorite family recipes that I've gotten from recipe books or offline. You know, from online I started putting those in the recipe book. You know from online I started putting those in the recipe book. And then Great Grandma Daniels has also shared her two recipes that are amazing, one of which is a super secret recipe that it took me years to convince her to finally share it with the family. And it actually wasn't me who convinced her, it was my sister-in-law, who is also not blood related, right. She married into the family and she convinced great grandma Daniels that she needed to share her recipe that she gave out over Christmas. She would make peanuts and her husband was Bud. My husband's grandfather was was named Bud, and they're called Bud's hot nuts. I did not make up that name. That is the name of them and great-grandma Daniel's finally shared that recipe with us. So that is now in our recipe book, although we have been sworn to secrecy that we are not allowed to share it. Still, and when she dies, we were told we cannot share the recipe. We said, okay, we can share it with family members, but family members only the end. And then she has the most fantastic carrot cake from scratch that I've included. I also went to my um. My own mother pulled some of our favorite family recipes. My husband's mother, uh, pulled her favorite recipes that she would make for my. My husband and his siblings put those in a recipe book. Y'all. That's my kid's favorite recipe book and there's not that many recipes in it yet we're slowly adding to that. So make a recipe book Cool Christmas thing that you can do at Christmas time.

24:59

Cool Christmas present. Involve your whole family. Encourage different family members to share their memories and perspective on family events to create a richer, more complete narrative. So talk to have your siblings share stories with your kids. Have the talk to the aunts and uncles. It's really fascinating to talk to my, my dad and so my mother's. Um, all of my mother's siblings are dead. My father's siblings, there's really only a couple that have the physical capacity to still share stories, but it's been fun asking.

25:31

I saw my cousin yesterday, she and I. She happens to live here too One of the few family members of my on my side that lives here and when her dad and mom come to visit, I love to ask them questions, because her dad is the youngest amongst um my dad's family. My dad is the oldest, her dad is the youngest, and so it's fun to get a different perspective um of of my dad's growing up and my grandparents. So ask aunts and uncles, cousins, to share the stories that they know and write those down. And then the last thing is we've got to record those stories, whether it's via video or written. Our kids need to know those stories. Our grandkids and our great grandkids need to know those stories so that they, too, can be resilient. So that's what I have to say today is let's help our kids be resilient through sharing stories about our own lives, about our ancestors, about our parents, our grandparents, and let's do it before it's too late.

26:50

I am so grateful that, um, I've taken the time to write down the stories about my own dad, that my siblings have written down his stories. Um, we get together. We're going to get together this this Saturday for his funeral and we've been sharing his stories back and forth and all the funny stories and my kids have loved listening and as we get together, because I've been sharing with them as the text chain and the emails have been going back and forth with my siblings and then this week we will get together and get to share all of those rich, beautiful stories that make up my sweet dad and make up our growing up. Super excited to share those stories with my kids Many of them they've already heard. Our stories matter. Our family history matters. Our kids need that to remember that they are part of a bigger picture and even if kids are adopted, you remind them that they are now part of your family and these stories are as important to them as the birth children.

28:00

And maybe you do some research for your, if you have adopted children, and you find stories for those kids. My oldest child is not my husband or I's biological child, but we made sure to go and visit the grandparents that were his biological grandparents. We did know who at least one side, his blood relations, like we knew at least one side and so we were able to go and visit the grandparents and the great grandparents of him and have him talk to them and learn about at least part of where he came from. And then, on top of that, we've said listen, you're part of this family, you are a Daniels and Daniels are strong, and even though we are not your blood parents, you're still ours. So if you do have children who are adopted and you're able to do that, get to know that their family if at all possible, and remind them that they are still part of your family. Okay, y'all, you are doing so much better than you think you are. Share your family stories. You got this. We will talk next week.